Sunday, June 22, 2014

the things beyond my control

the first day of summer was spent looking for houses. we looked at what seemed to be a million houses (it wasn't, but being 8 months pregnant and all, it was quite a few). i keep going back and forth between moving back into another apartment and trying to make it into a house before my maternity leave.

and it is stressing me out. and after all those houses, i think i am fine back into an apartment. i know what an apartment entails, we've been in apartments pretty much our whole married life (besides the stint of housesitting for a friend & staying in another friend's house). we know the costs. we like having that little gym (or i do at least). there is no yard work involved. we can leave after a year. it's simple. it's noncommittal.

a house screams commitment. it screams permanency. it screams things breaking down and lots of money down the drain. and with this new baby, i don't want to go crazy worrying about everything. and i know i will.

bd is still looking at houses and i'm not going to worry about it until after he comes. i just can't let myself get wrapped into that, into work, into the baby, into all the stresses that i keep feeling on my shoulder.

the other day i read this great article and the part that helped me the most was about letting go of the things that i cannot control. whenever i have a lot of stressors in my life, i try to compartmentalize and focus on getting through those stressors. however, i have been feeling like there are a lot of stressors in my life, and i can't control those things which irritates me, and adds even more stress on me. somedays i just want to lay in bed, and not open my eyes. i just want to block everything out until he comes. and boy, i can't wait until he comes. when is he going to come? will i feel it the couple of days before? or will it all of suddenly hit me minutes before things are about to happen? i wish i knew, but i just don't. and i'm trying to let that go. again, beyond my control. i can't predict when this will happen.

work's been a bit draining. it feels like busy season still and it's nearly july. and yet, there are lots to get done the rest of this month. i'm trying to push through and get through as much as i can. some things are under my control, and others aren't. some days, i feel so drained and my mind is on slow motion. i am trying to focus my energy and get through what i can. prioritize the things that i need to do right now, and let go of the things that i don't need to do right now.

i probably sound like a hot mess. or worse, a beaten dog. it's probably true on both fronts. at the end of the day, it could be worse. i am grateful for this baby, for this job, for my sweet husband, for even being able to consider a house, for everything that i'm blessed with. everything else, i'll just leave it to my God to help me.

-kaolee

2 comments:

  1. Just stumbled upon your blog! Hope you'll de-stress a bit and can't wait to see your newborn!

    Grace www.ouihui.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete