Thursday, July 31, 2014

our first day alone

monday was the first day that bd went back to work. it was probably the hardest day thus far. all the diaper changes and swaddling was up to me. it has been so nice to have him home to help me so I was beyond terrified to be left alone with mw.
 
i had my first post partum dr appointment and it was a bit scary, having to make sure i fed mw before we left so i wouldn't have to make a stop anywhere. it was also difficult to carry him in his car seat so i'm excited for the baby carrier. there were a couple of times during the day that mw cried, and i hate hearing him cry. it makes me so sad and him not being able to tell me what he needs makes me even more sad.
 
well, we survived. even though i did watch the clock and jumped up and down when bd finally came home. i think mw missed his daddy as well.
 
-kaolee

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

mw: his birth story

prior to having mw, i never had any braxton hicks nor any other signs of labor. other than the normal aches here and there and some minor swelling of my feet, i was sure that mw would come on his due date of july 16th. the day before i had him, i was at work. around 10am, i felt an ache on my left lower back. i had felt this a couple of times before in the evening after a long day, but never that early in the morning. it made walking uncomfortable since putting pressure on my left side hurt. i didn't think too much of it and went about my day.

friday, july 11th
3:30am. i woke up with stomach cramps that felt like menstrual cramps. one of my coworkers told me that contractions feel like menstrual cramps so when i woke up and start feeling the cramps coming and going, i was a bit alarmed. i wasn't ready to have him on friday. i was supposed to meet with one of my managers that day to wrap up an audit that i was working on.

at my previous obgyn visit, i had asked my midwife how i will know if i am having real contractions and she told me about the 5-1-1 rule. so for the next hour, i timed my contractions and continued to google the 5-1-1 rule, all while thinking, is today really the day?

since it was harder for me to breathe while sleeping laying down, bd and i had started sleeping the past two nights in the living room, me sleeping at an angle on the sectional while bd slept on the floor. while the hour pass, i tried my best to keep quiet so i wouldn't wake bd up, in case i was having a false labor.

4:30am. after the hour passed, i woke bd up and told him that i think i was having contractions. he sort of laughed at me, thinking i was probably not sure what i was talking about. which was true. i had no idea if i was having true contractions or not, but again, the cramps kept coming and going with the 5-1-1 pattern.

for the next hour, bd timed me and it remained consistent.

5:30am. bd started getting ready and i started gathering my things together. good thing i had packed my hospital bag already. since we lived about 40 minutes away from the hospital, i was a little nervous about being sent home since that would mean fighting traffic, but with the consistent 5-1-1, i figure, this can't be false labor.

6:30am. we started driving to the hospital. thankfully, traffic was not bad. the drive wasn't very comfortable. i had previously thought that i could drive myself if i needed to, but i don't think any pregnant person in labor should have to drive herself. the contractions make it hard to concentrate on the road.

we stopped by cvs to pick up a few items for the water birth. right next door was hardees, and i was craving some biscuits & gravy, and let me tell you, hardees' biscuits & gravy, so good! i worked at hardees at a teenager and gained about 15 lbs, mainly from the biscuits & gravy.

7:30am. we got to the hospital around this time. when the contractions hit, i couldn't walk nor concentrate at all. little did i know what was ahead of me.

8:00am. we got situated in a make-shift room where i was checked and admitted into the hospital. i was so relief as i was so set on having my little guy that day. i overheard the couple to the right of us being told that they were only having false labor. there was another couple to the left of us who was progressing really fast and taken to a labor & delivery room.

there weren't any labor & delivery rooms left so the nurse periodically came to check on me and see how i was progressing, but we waited for the next room to free up. bd reminded me to breathe and we just talked in between. the nurse got me apple juice and told me to drink a lot of apple juice and to stay hydrated. the nurse also got me cut fruits to eat and bd fed me apple juice and fruits while we wait.

it seemed like we waited forever. the whole time, i was thinking, surely, i will have this baby by noon.

12:00am. finally, we were admitted into the room. i had not yet progressed from a 4-5 and i was getting a little discouraged. i felt like my contractions were getting worse and yet, i wasn't progressing.

in order to get into the inflatable pool for my water birth, i needed to be at least an 8. at this point, i was thinking, surely, i will have this baby by 3pm.

they connected me to the machine to check my contractions and listen to the baby's heartbeat. the contractions were getting worse and at some point, the nurse checked and i had progressed to a 5-6, which was still a very slow progress. my water wasn't breaking and they thought that if my water will break, my delivery will be fast.

the nurse encouraged me to go into the shower as that might help with the contractions. i was in the shower for probably an hour/hour and a half. i felt like the contractions were even worse in the shower.

finally, i got out and all i wanted to do at this point was go lay down and close my eyes. i was getting really tired and the contractions were not helping at all.

at some point, i just felt like i couldn't go on any further. i felt like i needed the epidural. i was tired of the contractions and my body was getting so worn out. i couldn't relax very much when the contractions came. i started screaming every time the contractions came. i couldn't keep it in anymore.

5:30pm. the nurse and my midwife came in and we discussed my options. i really wanted the epidural, but a part of me didn't also. i wanted to stick to my birth plan, but the pain was just too much.

my midwife told me that they can give me morphine, but i won't be able to get into the inflatable pool until after 2 hours. with the iv drip, i could get into the water after 1 hour. they can also break my water.

i didn't know what to do at all. contractions were still coming and going and i was getting to the point of being delirious.

finally, i decided on the iv drip and breaking my water. the minute the iv drip was given to me, i started feeling flowy. my water was broken. i could feel my whole body relax. it was amazing.

and then the next contraction hit me, and the most painful contraction hit me like a rock. i remember screaming to bd, this isn't working! this, referring to the iv drip.

the contraction made my body completely tense up and i grabbed onto the rail and i just started shaking. i started asking bd to help me, and that this was hurting me so much. i saw him cry and i felt so bad because i knew he was so sad for me and so sad to watch me go through all this pain, and not be able to help me.

bd went to grab the nurse, and it seemed like forever before they came.

6:30pm. around this time, they checked my progress and i was now an 8. everything was progressing really fast. i was screaming like crazy with every contraction. i was still asking for the epidural. my midwife was encouraging me and telling me that i need to get into the inflatable pool and that i would feel so much better. i didn't want to go anywhere. i just wanted to lay on the bed and sleep. and i wanted the epidural so i could rest a little. my midwife told me that the epidural could slow things down, which is what i wanted. however, my midwife told me that what i wanted was to progress and get it over with.

7:15pm. the nurse, my midwife and bd finally got me into the inflatable pool. the warm water felt great. i remember hearing the anesthesiologist come into the room, and then heard him say, i guess you don't need me anymore, and with that, he left. in the back of my mind, i still had a thought that maybe i will still get the epidural.

at this point, there was a shift change and a new nurse came in. so around the inflatable pool was bd, the nurse and the midwife. i remember telling bd, he's never coming out, i'm going to die, and he doesn't want to come out.

7:43pm. the water definitely helped me in between the contractions. i pushed for about 15-20 minutes and out, he came. my eyes were closed and i was just pushing for dear life so i didn't see his entrance into the world but bd said that he did a little somersault in the water.

the midwife gave him to me and i was able to hold him for a few minutes. i remember thinking, oh my goodness, there was actually an actual human inside of me. he was so beautiful and he was screaming, his lungs all healthy. bd cut the cord. the nurse asked bd to take his shirt off so he could have some skin-to-skin with our baby boy.

after the midwife helped me clean up, our baby boy was brought to me and he started breastfeeding immediately. he was so precious and so cute. i definitely had my mom filters on :)

after all is said and done, that was the hardest dance that i ever did dance, but the prize was so worth it. he is the most beautiful thing that i have ever laid my eyes on. worth every contraction, worth every pain. if i had known that breaking my water would have helped me see him sooner, i would have asked for earlier then i had it.

-kaolee



mw's first rainfall

we had some rain last week & bd took mw outside so he can experience the rain.


 
it's a bit bright outside!

 
trying hard to open those pretty eyes!

 
it's way too bright mama!


bd putting some rain on his head.


some rain on his feet.


 
sitting with daddy & watching the rain fall.


look at those tiny toes. it kills me every time!
 
-kaolee

Sunday, July 27, 2014

mw meets some of my family

this weekend, mw met my family for the first time. he enjoyed meeting his grandma & grandpa y and uncle t & auntie s.
 
 
he wasn't sure about his uncle at first.

 
mw studying his uncle's face.

 
he's not so sure about his auntie s either.


okay, show's over! he misses them though & can't wait to see them again!
 
bd goes back to work tomorrow & we are both sad that he won't be hanging out with us. it's been such a big help with bd around. i can actually eat, shower, put on some makeup, take naps, ah, you know, just do a little bit of normal day to day things.
 
i'm looking forward to some one-on-one time with my little guy, but i am definitely nervous to be doing it alone this week. keep us in your prayers!
 
-kaolee


Friday, July 25, 2014

where do you go when you're dreaming?

i can hear your little breaths. so precious and so heavenly. it takes me to another place.
your face so free of worry, so free of stress. so apparent of the reason why we are all here. offering a little source of relief. you, who are so beautiful.
 
where do you go when you're dreaming?
 
is it the land of milk? as your father jokingly says. and when you twitch, are you having nightmares? or do you dream of falling sometimes? know my dear, that i'll always be here to catch you.
 
you, who are so precious and so heavenly. you, who are bringing us so much joy.
 
where do you go when you're dreaming?
 
-kaolee